RECIPROCITY
‘People. They are not all bad, but do you really want to risk it? Perhaps that was the unofficial motto of the Soviet Union…’ — Dmitry Dyatlov
BACKGROUND INSPIRATION
‘Mbopha! You too my brothers? I never thought you were capable of such decisiveness.’
Those were the words of the brave Zulu warrior with an ox shield shaped heart, the battle boffin who invented the Bull Horn Battle Formation, King Shaka Zulu, in a bold yet shattered tone, about to meet his outrageously dreadful death in the hands of his brothers.
This is an excerpt from one of the most controversial movies of our time, Shaka Zulu.
Sometime I go I posted a picture of Jordan Belfort with a quote that read, ‘If money is not important, go work at McDonald’s’ on my WhatsApp status and a really smart friend of mine who also happens to be a talented musician and an innovative entrepreneur, Themba Mabaso, just would not let me get away with it.
We had a mild exchange on the interpretation of the quote on the picture and what began as a simple difference of opinion took form to be a really insightful conversation about personal values.
Amidst it all Themba had a clear point to make, rich people (especially CEOs of big firms) should not exploit their employees in pursuit of profits, they should not make a fortune on the misfortune of their subordinates. I respect that and that conversation is what inspired me to write this article.
Homage to you brother.
BETRAYAL
In our interactions with different people in business and Life in general we always worry about people’s true intentions with us — are they just looking to exploit our goodwill or do they really have our best interests at heart?
I would argue that King Shaka Zulu was not so much shattered by that he was betrayed but rather who he was betrayed by. Anyone in the tribe could have orchestrated the coup d’etat, anyone could have plotted his assassination, anyone but his brothers — his own flesh and blood!
History books have it that Julius Caesar fought bravely until he was stabbed in the back by his most trusted friend, Brutus.
How could have King Shaka Zulu known that his brothers would be the ones who drive spears to his heart? How could have Julius Caesar known that his dearly trusted friend would be the one who stabs him in the back?
Wouldn’t it be better if we knew from the get-go who trust and who not to? What if we had a detector that went, ‘PINININI’ each time we were dealing with an untrustworthy business partner, that would warn us whenever we are dealing with a shady investor and/or a sinister supplier?
Fortunately, there is a way that we can detect and read people’s true intentions with us and know who get into bed with and who to cast aside.
With this article, I aim to shed light on reciprocity styles and how we can use them to read people’s true intentions so that we can spot and avoid the Mbophas, Judas Iscariots and the Brutuses of this world.
RECIPROCITY STYLES
Reciprocity styles are the ways we choose to interact with the outside world and according to the author of Give and Take, Adam Grant, every one of us falls into 3 categories in as far our reciprocity styles are concerned: Givers, Matchers and Takers.
Givers
Givers are those people who have other people’s best interests at heart. In fact, givers’ most common trait is that they place other people’s interests and well-being above their own.
These are the type of people who would burn themselves to keep you warm.
They give and help for the genuine interest of the other person’s well-being. They help because they can, they are able to and they know that it will make your life that much better.
Even when they do not have the means to help, they will still look around their network to find people who may be better positioned to help you and pair you up.
Givers are so invested in the well-being of the next person that they become really frustrated if they cannot help you, even worse if you are desperate.
Matchers
‘Tit for tat!’
‘You owe me one!’
‘I am indebted to you!’
If you have heard any of these phrases, then you were most likely dealing with a Matcher.
Matchers believe in equal exchanges of value. If they grant you a favour today, they want to know if they can count on you to do same or something of the same magnitude for them when the need arises.
Conversely, if you grant them a favour or help them out in their hour of need, they feel indebted to you and will be looking for opportunities to pay you back.
Takers
The third of group of people in as far reciprocity styles are concerned are Takers. Takers, as the name suggests, just want to take without giving anything in return.
Takers are selfish, self-centred, and self-absorbed. They only care about their own interests and will pursue them at the expense of everybody else. They are the type of people to step on anyone just to get ahead.
AGREEABLENESS
Whenever we try to determine people’s true intentions most of us fall to the trap of judging people based on how agreeable they are. If someone appears to be friendly, kind, and polite we quickly assume that they have our best interests at heart.
Conversely, if they are more confrontational with a sharp tongue, we quickly make them out to be the bad guy. We conclude that they have a nefarious purpose and are not to be trusted.
Guess what? We could not be more wrong!
Agreeableness is an independent trait. It is very possible for someone to be a Giver and non-agreeable as much as it is possible to have an agreeable Taker and we have given these ones [agreeable Takers] a really interesting name, FAKERS!
Non-agreeable Givers will still very much have your best interests at heart, they will still go our of their way to help you out, they just do not have to be nice about it (and trust me they will not be!).
The typical non-agreeable Giver is the type to hold you fully accountable for your mistakes and will just not take any excuses lying down.
They will not hesitate to call you out and give you a piece of their mind. All that, in the genuine interest to contribute to your own betterment.
Agreeable Takers will go out of their way to make you feel good about yourself and even better about helping them. At the end of the day though, they are the ones benefiting everything while you are being used up.
Wait! There is another fascinating word for this trait, MANIPULATIVE!
Agreeable Matchers will be sure remind you that they may knocking on your door anytime seeking help and that they would be glad if you returned the favour.
Non-Agreeable Matchers will ascertain that you know that you owe them one and may sound demanding and confrontational about it and should you fail to honour your debt (because of Taker tendencies) they will not hesitate to give you a piece of their mind.
FINDER FINDER: HOW TO SPOT GIVERS, MATCHERS and TAKERS
Givers
Givers are generally selfless people, they always put the interests of others ahead of their own. They are the type of people who would be open to help you, not only just help you but ensure that they give you the best of their capabilities.
If they work on a project with you, they will contribute fully, give careful thought, and even conduct an in-depth research into the subject matter to ensure that everything is of the best attainable standard.
The most amazing trait about Givers is that they are very reluctant to take credit, no matter how deserving they are. They always commend the efforts of others and downplay their own contribution (which is usually enormous).
They religiously shy away from the spot light when the project is a success, that is, not because they are ashamed of the project itself but because they feel that all members of the team deserve recognition and they will stand back and gladly allow everyone to get the praise and recognition that they deserve.
The typical Giver CEO when asked, ‘what can you attribute the success of your firm to?’ would probably go, ‘the team has been really amazing in carrying out their duties, all departments worked together really well and functioned as a well-oiled machine amidst all challenges, in fact, more and more employees have been voluntarily putting in extra hours…’
When asked, ‘what was your role as the leader in the process that yielded such great figures?’ the would say something along the lines of, ‘well my job was really simple — I threatened to fire some and promote others and that did the trick’ humour is their best line of defence.
I may be exaggerating a bit, but you get the point (insert a big smile here).
On the flip side though, the tables turn. Whenever everything goes South, they are the first ones to come out and take responsibility. They will be the ones to be bold and take ownership of the challenges and defend their team at all cost.
Bear in mind that Givers may still be non-agreeable. They would still have your best interests at heart but be very confrontational. Defend you in public, call you out in private (and boy will they give it to you!).
Matchers
Matchers, as we have already established, believe in the equal exchange of value. They will insist on equal contribution of work, if you are working on a project together they would deem it fair that the overall work be divided in equal sections among the rest of you, each one to their strongest sections.
They believe in equal contribution, as such, if one of member of the team is slacking off hoping to profit off the hard labour of others, a Matcher would do all they can to have them thrown off the team and vow to never work with them again.
Matchers are a really interesting bunch of people, they can be God’s most generous angels or the Devil’s most ruthless demons in terms of how they deal with people, specifically Givers and Takers.
They are Equalizers.
When dealing with Givers, Matchers feel indebted to Givers for always having their best interests at heart and constantly doing right by them. Matchers are always looking for opportunities to repay their debts to Givers, they will be there looking out for the Giver behind their back. If they see the poor Giver struggling, they will bend over backwards to help them (because they know the fellow Giver would do the same for them in a heartbeat).
If a fellow Giver starts a business, they would look into their networks to find them investors, mentors and even customers.
A Matcher is a Giver’s best ally.
Every Giver deserves a Matcher to look out for them (this is the part where you go, Ncoo!).
On the flip side, when dealing with a Taker, Matchers unleash their most unapologetically ruthless side.
Once a Matcher deals with a Taker and gets burned, lo and behold Taker! You have run out of victims to exploit. A Matcher would make it their mission to expose the Taker for who they really are, a wolf in a sheep skin.
They will go around telling everyone just how untrustworthy you are, they will break their backs just block you so that you do not have any more victims to exploit. I suggest you leave town Taker; your luck has run out!
Every Taker deserves a Matcher to bring them to book!
Takers
Then there are the notorious Takers! Takers are a bunch of people who are good at manipulating and using people to further their own selfish interests.
The most distinguishing trait of Takers is that they never give credit to anyone. When things go right (at work or maybe with a project) they take all the credit. The team succeeded because of their own hard work; the company is growing because of their smart ideas.
They will always take credit for themselves, whenever things go right, without properly acknowledging the team involved.
On the flip side, whenever things go South, it is everyone else’s fault, everybody else except them.
They all the take credit when things go right and blame everybody else when things go wrong.
Another trait of Takers is that they always will always give preferential treatment to people who are in high positions or high class citizens while looking down and ill-treating those below them be it at work or by social status. Highly educated fellows call this, Kissing up, Kicking down.
Takers kiss those who are above them in the hopes of using them to level up and rise through the ranks, while kicking those below them because they are clearly of no use to them.
TYING IT ALL TOGETHER
As you might have concluded, if you want to be surrounded by people who would contribute effectively to your start-up (even in life) you want to be have Givers and Matchers for business partners, funders and associates and you want to steer clear off the Takers.
At the crux of it all, we all want to be surrounded by the right people, those who have our best interests at heart and would bring us no harm but contribute to our betterment.
The trick if it all is to be one such person yourself.
Give to others where you can, help where you can, give credit where credit is due and acknowledge others for their contributions.
Mahatma Gandhi said it best, ‘Be the change you want to see…’
Need I say more?
Inspirational concept from the Rookie
Doormat effect — it is when a person always falls victim to other people’s manipulation [being their doormat] as result of their good will and always seeing good in everyone. Beware not to be anyone’s doormat.
Thank you for reading.
References:
Give and Take, written by Adam Grant : 2013
